Dear Me,
It’s been about a week since I got sick, as you’re well aware. One of the worst sinus infections I’ve ever had has also imbued me with an unexpected and very much unpleasant “treat”.
That is to say, something happened to me that I never could have anticipated. Prepare yourself for a tale of musicial mucous and chapping skin!
After blowing my nose constantly for 2 days, my flesh started to get dry and irritated. Naturally. For the following 4 days, I had been applying carmex regularly, to keep my nose and upper-moustache region that-oh-so-supple tenderness that it is used to.
Well. Somewhere in there, a hidden smidgen got on my eyelashes. At first I couldn’t figure out why they kept sticking together every time I blinked – afterall, I hadn’t realized it even had it on my finger.
After some detective work in front of the mirror and feeling the wet, almost waxy texture around my eye, I had a Eureka! moment (which was rather fitting, considering I had just watched a documentary on Archimedes). Ahem.
I proceeded to wash my eye with soap and warmish water, and hit the hay. Four hours later I woke up – gasping for air, as my throat and nasal passages had both filled entirely with a thick, disgusting mucous whose color you certainly don’t want me to describe – only to find my eyes were sealed shut with the gluey residue that clearly hadn’t washed off.
In my delirious awakened state, I wiped my lashes off with a towel. Minor success – back to bed. I awoke again, 4 hours later to a similar situation and finally fixed the problem.
- Run the hot water, as hot as you can ******* stand.
- Make gobs and gobs of lather with some bar-soap.
- Rub the suds in really ******* hard.
- Rinse with hot water.
- Repeat at least 3 times.
- Breathe a sigh of relief.
This, mind you, is after scouring the internet for a solution. Maybe my search query was trash. Maybe I couldn’t read with my eyes fused shut. I really don’t care. It’s done. Hopefully this will never happen to you again. If it does, you’re a total muppet, but at least you know what to do. Common sense isn’t so common after all, especially when you’re in a weird mental state.
Write back soon.
Love,
Your Jackass-self